Why do people do things? Why have you done the things you’ve done in your life?
When you look for an answer to this question, you’re usually given so many answers that the question becomes meaningless. People do things for reasons involving need, desire, utility, or common sense, or pragmatic sense, or individual history, philosophical leanings/beliefs.
Or they do things for reasons other than those.
Or sometimes, they do things for a combination of those reasons.
Or the do things “for no reason at all.”
NLP says that people always have a good outcome in mind for themselves when they do things, and I believe this is true. They believe that they will get something valuable from their actions.
But what is at the base of “why people do things” is something much simpler. Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication,” reveals that we almost always do things based on (in our culture, often un-felt, unrecognized, or unappreciated) needs.
Look back over your life, and consider the following.
All of this time, you had your own agenda. It was separate from that of those around you.
And it was always the same – to get your needs met.
Did you know that that was true? (I didn’t, until I read the book).
If you did/do know that already – do you express your needs as your needs. Or do you express your needs as other people’s problems (‘that person doesn’t know how to drive!’ – really, is ‘I need to feel safer than I do right now’)? Do you express your needs as complaints (‘my boss never appreciates me,’ – really, is ‘I need to feel more appreciation for my efforts at work’)? Grievances (‘my parents never supported me,’ – is, ‘I need to feel supported/loved/cared-for’)? Perceived wrongs, etc.?
Do you know that your feelings are expressions of, and signposts pointing toward, your needs?
Rosenberg gives a simple formula for beginning to explore this concept. The next time you begin to blame someone else for your situation (problem, issue, etc.), say to yourself “I feel x, because I y.”
Usually, the “because” is an unexpressed or unrecognized need that you have.
To boot, toward the middle of the book, a subject heading called “Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play!” appears!
Marshall emphasizes that we should “make choices that are motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.”
Being fit is also about being able to express yourself, authentically, in a way that other people can understand, relate to, and respond to.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who reads. I’ll be reading it again, myself, very soon.
